SouthernFans.com
TrueGSU.com

Follow GSUFANS.com on
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

  1. #1

    Default Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    “How do I find myself in these situations” I wondered. Here I am, face to face with the great football god himself about to punished in some act of divine retribution, and I cannot fathom what I did. Was I unfaithful? Did I not contribute enough to the fund? Was it the old faded bulldog decal that I couldn’t scrape off the bumper when I bought my truck from my wife’s cousin LeMontaybubba? I wracked my brain trying to rationalize this situation and remembered how my day got started……

    My wife is a fine woman. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the young ‘uns and works a full time job. But she ain’t got no tolerance for laziness. If something needs doing, she will find a way to motivate you to do it. So, when the storm had finished its awesome display of wind and rain, it left no real damage at my house, but it did leave its share of limbs and pinecones scattered everywhere. Come daybreak, she insisted that I start a burn pile.

    There wasn’t no power yet at work so I had little excuse not to comply with She Who Must Be Obeyed wishes. Immediately after breakfast, she threw me out to clean up. As I walked out the front door onto the porch, there lay Rufus, my houn’ dog. He didn’t suffer any storm disturbance whatsoever as the storm approached from the south and the front side barely saw any rain or wind. He slept right through the whole damn thing and I doubt he even noticed it came and went. But that’s Rufus, he don’t notice nothing, no storms, squirrels in the garden, deadbeat kinfolks beggin’ for case quarters to burn on the pool table at the juke joint up the road apiece. By far, Rufus is the worst houn’ dog whatever lived.

    I considered giving him a good swift kick as I walked off the porch to go clean up the yard, but I thought better of it. Rufus didn’t bite, but his flatulence was known to cause “hot spots” on the NOAA satellite imaging system and I hated having those weather Nazis skulking around my property looking for “thermal anomalies”. They claimed that there was a significant ozone depletion directly over my property, but I think they used that as an excuse to trespass on my property and mark my deer stand locations.

    It took about an hour, but I got all the limbs and other debris piled up where I could burn it later when it dried out some. One thing that I did find, however, was my GSU flag still attached to its pole, but the pole was melted away from its support. We never got no lightning from the storm so there’s no way the storm could have caused it.

    I came back up to the house as I was done and found Rufus sitting up on his haunches, apparently now awake and probably wanting to eat. “Whatcha got there, homeboy?” Rufus asked me as I stepped up onto the porch carrying the flag and pole. When I showed it Rufus he looked concerned and maybe just a bit alarmed. Now this is significant as practically nothing bothers Rufus - partially because he stays on the porch asleep most of the time and partially because Rufus was generally unconcerned with any problems that I encountered usually only offering the odd smart aleck comment or two, stupid dog…….

    But this time he wanted to see the flag and pole. When I showed it to him, he sniffed it once and immediately the fur around his neck stood up and backed up and growled a moment before recovering his composure. “You got a problem, homeboy”, Rufus informed me. “You have offended…..him”. I followed Rufus gaze and sure enough there was something there – outside in the yard, just between the porch and my newly made burn pile.

    Sitting up about 4 feet on a perch was a monkey dressed oddly in a faded Adidas T shirt and a baseball cap worn backwards. He also had a white Izod sweater draped over his shoulders and tied loosely around his chest in “preppie style”. Below the waist, he was all monkey. No britches, no socks, no shoes (how could you wear shoes with hands for feet?). I’m not at all sure what breed of monkey this was, not being an expert on primates, but he was not an ape – chimp/gorilla/orangutan – he was a monkey, with long arms and long legs and a tail.

    I felt an invisible force dragging me off the porch and towards the monkey on the perch. As I got closer I noticed 20-30 empty and crushed beer cans at the bottom of the perch along with some empty plastic nacho bowls, a broken Styrofoam cooler, corn dog sticks, a half eaten plate of funnel cake and a large pile of what appeared to be vomit. The invisible force pushed me to my knees in apparent submission posture in front of the monkey.

    “I am the drunken monkey, Stunken…..the great god of bad college football”. “You have abandoned hope and require corrective action” the monkey told me. He then defecated into his hand and threw it at me, nailing me right in the eye. I had to admit to myself that he was right and I felt both personally ashamed and humiliated by his treatment of me. What could I do? I asked him, “What must I do?” He pointed to the pile of vomit and said “Eat you this!”. Ugh…..the mere thought totally disgusted me…I was pretty sure I couldn’t do this and I figured I might reason with this entity. “This is vomit!” I declared. “I can’t eat no vomit….no way!”. He squeezed another projectile into his hand and before I could turn away he nailed me again in the same eye. “That is reality!” he raged and continued to point to the pile. “Sometimes reality is vomit and we must eat!”. “If I had offered you a big bowl of Moose Tracks ice cream would you decline?” he argued. I had to admit that I probably wouldn’t. He continued, “Sometimes reality is vomit and sometimes it is Moose Tracks. But, irregardless of whether you like it or not, reality is something you MUST eat”. For emphasis, he zapped me between the eyes with another handful. I was done. I had completely lost any force of will and I complied with his demand. The reality was bitter and very hard to swallow, but somehow I managed it. It really only took about four or five bites to get it all down, but still, it felt like a lifetime.

    When I was done, I could no longer feel the invisible force holding me. I stood back up and started slowly backing away from the perch, never taking my eyes off Stunken afraid he might send another missile my way, but he seemed to not even notice me. I’m not going to mention what Stunken was doing now, other than to say that I had heard somewhere that monkeys did that and it was time to skedaddle outta there. The further I backed away the more he seemed to fade away. By the time I got back to the porch he was gone.

    Rufus was there with the pole and flag in his mouth. I took it from him, still trying to recover from my experience. “You know what you gotta do, homeboy” Rufus declared and then went back to his spot on the porch, turn around twice and collapsed into sleep as though nothing had happened. I knew that I had not imagined this whole affair, as I could still taste that bitterness of reality ….. I knew what I had to do.

    I opened up my shop that was on the edge of the yard between my garden and the driveway and dragged out my wire welder and brought it up to the house. I quickly tacked the pole back into the holder and made a couple passes with the welder. It was back where it should be…..not good as new, but it would hold.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Crawford, GA
    Posts
    2,878

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    You should get published somewhere. Not sure where but somewhere.

    It is the reality and we have to eat it. Hopefully not for long though. I'm ready for moose tracks. Or steak and potatoes.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Quantico, VA
    Posts
    986

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    Quote Originally Posted by SwampEagle View Post
    Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    “How do I find myself in these situations” I wondered. Here I am, face to face with the great football god himself about to punished in some act of divine retribution, and I cannot fathom what I did. Was I unfaithful? Did I not contribute enough to the fund? Was it the old faded bulldog decal that I couldn’t scrape off the bumper when I bought my truck from my wife’s cousin LeMontaybubba? I wracked my brain trying to rationalize this situation and remembered how my day got started……

    My wife is a fine woman. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the young ‘uns and works a full time job. But she ain’t got no tolerance for laziness. If something needs doing, she will find a way to motivate you to do it. So, when the storm had finished its awesome display of wind and rain, it left no real damage at my house, but it did leave its share of limbs and pinecones scattered everywhere. Come daybreak, she insisted that I start a burn pile.

    There wasn’t no power yet at work so I had little excuse not to comply with She Who Must Be Obeyed wishes. Immediately after breakfast, she threw me out to clean up. As I walked out the front door onto the porch, there lay Rufus, my houn’ dog. He didn’t suffer any storm disturbance whatsoever as the storm approached from the south and the front side barely saw any rain or wind. He slept right through the whole damn thing and I doubt he even noticed it came and went. But that’s Rufus, he don’t notice nothing, no storms, squirrels in the garden, deadbeat kinfolks beggin’ for case quarters to burn on the pool table at the juke joint up the road apiece. By far, Rufus is the worst houn’ dog whatever lived.

    I considered giving him a good swift kick as I walked off the porch to go clean up the yard, but I thought better of it. Rufus didn’t bite, but his flatulence was known to cause “hot spots” on the NOAA satellite imaging system and I hated having those weather Nazis skulking around my property looking for “thermal anomalies”. They claimed that there was a significant ozone depletion directly over my property, but I think they used that as an excuse to trespass on my property and mark my deer stand locations.

    It took about an hour, but I got all the limbs and other debris piled up where I could burn it later when it dried out some. One thing that I did find, however, was my GSU flag still attached to its pole, but the pole was melted away from its support. We never got no lightning from the storm so there’s no way the storm could have caused it.

    I came back up to the house as I was done and found Rufus sitting up on his haunches, apparently now awake and probably wanting to eat. “Whatcha got there, homeboy?” Rufus asked me as I stepped up onto the porch carrying the flag and pole. When I showed it Rufus he looked concerned and maybe just a bit alarmed. Now this is significant as practically nothing bothers Rufus - partially because he stays on the porch asleep most of the time and partially because Rufus was generally unconcerned with any problems that I encountered usually only offering the odd smart aleck comment or two, stupid dog…….

    But this time he wanted to see the flag and pole. When I showed it to him, he sniffed it once and immediately the fur around his neck stood up and backed up and growled a moment before recovering his composure. “You got a problem, homeboy”, Rufus informed me. “You have offended…..him”. I followed Rufus gaze and sure enough there was something there – outside in the yard, just between the porch and my newly made burn pile.

    Sitting up about 4 feet on a perch was a monkey dressed oddly in a faded Adidas T shirt and a baseball cap worn backwards. He also had a white Izod sweater draped over his shoulders and tied loosely around his chest in “preppie style”. Below the waist, he was all monkey. No britches, no socks, no shoes (how could you wear shoes with hands for feet?). I’m not at all sure what breed of monkey this was, not being an expert on primates, but he was not an ape – chimp/gorilla/orangutan – he was a monkey, with long arms and long legs and a tail.

    I felt an invisible force dragging me off the porch and towards the monkey on the perch. As I got closer I noticed 20-30 empty and crushed beer cans at the bottom of the perch along with some empty plastic nacho bowls, a broken Styrofoam cooler, corn dog sticks, a half eaten plate of funnel cake and a large pile of what appeared to be vomit. The invisible force pushed me to my knees in apparent submission posture in front of the monkey.

    “I am the drunken monkey, Stunken…..the great god of bad college football”. “You have abandoned hope and require corrective action” the monkey told me. He then defecated into his hand and threw it at me, nailing me right in the eye. I had to admit to myself that he was right and I felt both personally ashamed and humiliated by his treatment of me. What could I do? I asked him, “What must I do?” He pointed to the pile of vomit and said “Eat you this!”. Ugh…..the mere thought totally disgusted me…I was pretty sure I couldn’t do this and I figured I might reason with this entity. “This is vomit!” I declared. “I can’t eat no vomit….no way!”. He squeezed another projectile into his hand and before I could turn away he nailed me again in the same eye. “That is reality!” he raged and continued to point to the pile. “Sometimes reality is vomit and we must eat!”. “If I had offered you a big bowl of Moose Tracks ice cream would you decline?” he argued. I had to admit that I probably wouldn’t. He continued, “Sometimes reality is vomit and sometimes it is Moose Tracks. But, irregardless of whether you like it or not, reality is something you MUST eat”. For emphasis, he zapped me between the eyes with another handful. I was done. I had completely lost any force of will and I complied with his demand. The reality was bitter and very hard to swallow, but somehow I managed it. It really only took about four or five bites to get it all down, but still, it felt like a lifetime.

    When I was done, I could no longer feel the invisible force holding me. I stood back up and started slowly backing away from the perch, never taking my eyes off Stunken afraid he might send another missile my way, but he seemed to not even notice me. I’m not going to mention what Stunken was doing now, other than to say that I had heard somewhere that monkeys did that and it was time to skedaddle outta there. The further I backed away the more he seemed to fade away. By the time I got back to the porch he was gone.

    Rufus was there with the pole and flag in his mouth. I took it from him, still trying to recover from my experience. “You know what you gotta do, homeboy” Rufus declared and then went back to his spot on the porch, turn around twice and collapsed into sleep as though nothing had happened. I knew that I had not imagined this whole affair, as I could still taste that bitterness of reality ….. I knew what I had to do.

    I opened up my shop that was on the edge of the yard between my garden and the driveway and dragged out my wire welder and brought it up to the house. I quickly tacked the pole back into the holder and made a couple passes with the welder. It was back where it should be…..not good as new, but it would hold.

    In the immortal words of Steve the Pirate:

    Demand ye respect.
    Last edited by gsumarine; 12th September 2017 at 05:52 PM.
    Drew Geer
    Georgia Southern University 1991-1995
    BA History

  4. Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    Original. One of a kind.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    Sanity is a bi*ch. And long-winded, to boot.
    Green Bastard
    Parts Unknown

  6. #6

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    Quote Originally Posted by SwampEagle View Post
    Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    “How do I find myself in these situations” I wondered.
    Good dream. Jung called dreams like this, full of meaning and impossible to forget (and featuring archetypes) "big dreams." It invites interpretation except it is obvious. Gotta inhale vigorously it up and accept reality. Take adaptive actions in the small ways you can (repairing the flag holder).

  7. Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane


  8. #8

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    SwampEagle.... GSUFan's very own lunatic poster

  9. #9

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    Did ALL the empty beer cans belong to the monkey? Not accusing or anything....��
    Quote Originally Posted by half-n-half View Post
    Atleast 7-5 with a legit shot at 8-4.

    Only chance of this team winning less than 6 games is if it's ravenged by injuries. Anybody predicting 4 wins or some crap like that is clueless. Post Arkansas St game is going to be fun around here to watch the crow being eaten. Heck, even post UNH is going to provide some fun.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Another Chapter from Bizzare Musings of the Sane

    I can tell you one thing ValleyBoy ain't gonna eat no monkey or any other type vomit.
    "Once and Eagle Always and Eagle"
    Valley, Alabama
    Fan of Erk since the 70's, Eagle Scout 1978, Georgia Southern Fan since 2009

Similar Threads

  1. Keel foreshadows GSU’s ‘next chapter’
    By aristocracker in forum The Flight Line
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 15th August 2014, 03:57 PM
  2. The Final Chapter
    By SwampEagle in forum TALON Talk
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 24th December 2011, 10:05 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •